outskirts: life and times in charlottesville

…small town life

Wow…after all that bankruptcy stuff it looks like the Landmark Hotel is starting to rent out the rooms on Craigslist. Stellar views!

—- from Craigslist —-

Flash forward to the design of the near future, where walls and windows are optical illusions!

Spread out and run free through our very open floor plan, multiple floors and views you won’t believe.

Designed to get you back in touch with nature through direct exposure!

Over 9 floors with easy access crane included!

The perfect fixer upper for you construction crew types and a wonderful investment in the cities future.

Plenty of paid parking available and pets are welcome!

Although most of the local authorities won’t say it publicly, I’ve been in contact with one individual who is willing to state the truth: goats were the cause for our recent financial disaster here in C-Ville.

During the middle of the day the financial sector of downtown was evacuated due to sewage issues. Locals couldn’t get money. Computers had to be shut down. With no money the local establishments had no incoming cash and people had to be let go. It was chaos. When they reopened the bank panic ensued – people were wondering if the money was really safe.

My source tells me that this sewage problem was due excessive crap (similar in nature to DBM Band issue) of goats! Goats are the story of 2010 here in the village. Almost everyone now has a goat in their yard. Goat attacks are becoming common.

Although whispers are dangling in the light winter breeze, it looks as if the goats are now after our water supply. Excessive poop has caused unequal pressures in the pipes of the community, and this led to the breakage of a big water pipe (or ‘mater’ as it appears in the opening sentence) in the downtown area.

Will castrated hornless goats be the end of the good life in C-Ville? I guess we’ll find out in 2011. Stay tuned for more stories on disasters caused by our local goat explosion!

Villagers are running to the stores in vast numbers causing massive shortages of bread and milk. Why? There is a chance of freezing rain tonight. Reports from Barracks Road say that hundreds of people are running in and out of the local Harris Teeter in an effort to find the last loaf. Be sure to get bread now!


Possible image of current situation at Barracks Road Mall.

Ever since TJ had fun with the ladies this area has been a place where radical things happen. A street was turned in to a mall, the parking lot of our train station was turned from a dirt pile parking lot to a nice paved parking lot (oh wait…that modernizing hasn’t happened), a really fancy hotel was completed (never mind), and stadium style theaters came to town (hmm…I hear by 2020).

So it is no doubt that the massive fire ignited in a dumpster in front of Perriello’s office had a purpose. After an in-depth investigation it has become apparent that the action was due to a local political party that has had enough government.

A law was recently passed that has put unbearable restrictions on the local community. Section 10-124 has banned public urinating and/or defecating! This is not humane. How can one possibly survive under this oppression.

It hasn’t gotten quite as much press as other political parties, but the Pee Party has claimed responsibility. One member of the party said, “If humans can’t piss in public then how can we possibly survive after all government has been eliminated in the upcoming days. There will be no fire department, no police, and no schools. Fires will run rampant and Charlottesville will burn like Chicago did way back when in the days of cows and lanterns.”

The Pee Party (started in 1875 when UVA was rebuilding from the Great Fire) stands for Peeing Extinguishes Exothermics and their number one priority is to encourage people to piss whenever they see a fire. Another member said, “There is no better way to get quick response to flame…if you know what I mean.”

Unfortunately, the protest didn’t turn out very well. No one chose to piss and the local fire department was called to deal with the political attack. The Pee Party is planning their next attack.

[Special thanks to Mr. T for the video clip]

As everyone knows (unless you live under a rock), Obama is rolling in to town. In a small village like Charlottesville this is going to cause massive change in our daily existence. Almost every road in this metropolitan (by ancient Mesopotamian levels) will be shut down for most of the day.

Since no signs are allowed I’ve heard that local protesters plan to wear t-shirts underneath their sweatshirts and do a unified striptease to reveal their body signature. Based on the proportion of locals I really hope they don’t accidentally pull their tees off with their sweatshirts.

Roads and businesses have been shut down during the visit, but the biggest threat to our civility is the cancellation of local school dances. It has been alleged that students are demanding some E in exchange for the cancellation. Dances may get cancelled, but those students need their fun.

The last thing I’ve heard is that a local band may do a rendition of Baracka Flacka Flames at the musical marshmallow this evening. Can’t wait to see the video of that on local news.

In the maddening world of urban renewal we all know where the future is going. Goats. Goats are good for everything. Stew, milk, hair, bedbugs, and even companionship. That is why they deserve justice. The Charlottesville Goat Justice League is fighting for their rights.

An anonymous source (who refused to give their name) said that the League refuses to let their be any discrimination against goats. Right now the locals force your goat to weigh less than 100 pounds, and if it is male it gets “taken care of,” so no breeding will ever happen. The League can’t take this and will do everything they can to give goats equal rights, and the ability to move throughout the urban landscape.

The Charlottesville Goat Justice League has now formed a group in combination with the village elders called the Goats Urban Transit System committee (GUTS). This committee plans to raise funding (and possibly city taxes) for a transit system for the goats that will use the Shweeb system.

Goats in Charlottesville Mall

A spokesperson for the committee says, “this will allow the goats to easily move from one area to another where they can eat and breed with no hassles whatsoever – exactly as Thomas Jefferson envisioned it. This will make the area beautiful with goats traveling overhead throughout the city.”

goats at monticello

I know my goat will be happy. Fight on Charlottesville Goat Justice League. We want GUTS! We want GUTS!

Remember when the elders announced new signage for the downtown area? The total cost per sign is $7500. In case you missed it a new one went up at 4th and Water which highlights the best of Water Street. Nothing better than a parking ramp that closes early every night so that your car gets locked in. Nothing like spending big bucks to advertise a place to park.

Destination Sign

Of course the same crazy spending for signs seems to have taken a wrong turn down a one way road for the village hall due to ADA compliance. Details, smetails. A pity we can’t spend $100k+ for more signs. Nothing is more important than signs. Except maybe machines to neuter and dehorn goats.

The biggest thing going on in C-Ville right now is the debate over goats. Should goats be allowed in the village or not? Goats are good for pets, food, fur, yard maintenance, and many other things (I guess).

Know Your Goat

I’m sure one of the goals of allowing goats is so all the perfect super-smart kids (or so the parent will tell you) can have a new pet. A local teen was recently seen with an illegally imported show goat. Seeing more of these youth hanging out at Mudhouse, smoking a cig, and grooming their pets would really be a gas.

Pink Pet Goat

Let’s think about this for a bit. Given the fact that people can’t keep their cats and dogs properly locked up do you really think the goats could be kept under control? Not a chance. I’ve even seen a pig running around loose in town, and I also recall that some cows got loose a few years ago from a cattle auction.

Since the goats will be running around I’m sure they will do what pretty much all the locals like to do…breed. In no time at all the village will be a crazed madhouse full of goats (hopefully no goat zombies). Once the goats run out of tin cans, cigarette butts, and baby diapers they’ll have to turn to other sources of food….plants. The grass won’t last very long so they will then look upward to one of our greatest resources – trees. Now, I hate to say this, but goats can climb trees.

Can you just imagine what will happen when they find their way to the downtown mall? This inception-ish video was taken in my mind and shows what many experts think will happen when the city passes a law that allows goats. Are you ready?

Every day since July 3rd has been hot. Burning hot. Not a single day has seen a high below 90. A half dozen days have been over 100.

All will and hope hope have been baked out of the village. I’ve been doing my best (as you can see in the self-portrait) to get powers to provide relief (other than Dominion). Will today be the first day where we don’t see 90? Will hope return to the Charlottesvilleites? Will the village survive?

I’ve killed a few lambs so one can only hope.

Years ago a single list maker did a bit too much of what TJ used to do (you all know what I mean) and listed C-Ville as the top city in the United States. What a mistake. For years others have copied him and C-Ville stayed near the top but eventually people forget the idiocy of the past.

Money Magazine came out with their list of the Top 100 Small Cities in the US for 2010. Where do you think C-Ville is? Top 10? Top 20? Keep going. Top 50? Nope. Top 75? Still not there. Top 100? No. They are nowhere to be seen. They aren’t even listed in the “All Cities” which contains many that aren’t ranked.

Why? Let’s examine. Many might think the answer is clear, C-Ville is not a city (as I always say, this place is a village of the damned). If you look closely most of the top 100 had more than our 40,000 residents (if you exclude students it is more like 30,000, and if you include Albeeeehhhmarellleee County it is more like 80,000). Perhaps we were too small. Let’s look instead at the list of Top 100 Small Towns that came out in 2009 (many of the towns are below 10k, others are above 100k). Where are we? Nowhere. Entirely missing.

So the question remains, why are we not included in any lists? Is it our murder rate of hoo-ish things? Bike theft rate? The fact that we don’t have mass transit to our airport? The fact that there is not a single working water fountain in the main (lawsuit-enabled) park in the city (which has no bike lane leading to the it)? Maybe it is the fact that we killed 1200 geese the other day and didn’t let people harvest them for food. Or perhaps the fact that the main feature of our downtown is now a derelict half-built carcass of a luxury hotel where aggressive panhandlers pack it in for the night.


Typical scene on downtown mall.

Let’s get away from all those ludicrous answers and look more closely at what the city may have been up to. We’ve spent the past two months in 90 degree heat. Baking. No humanity can survive in this. I’ve watched brains leaking right out of heads. With all this heat the top issue at the most recent city council (aka village elder council) was snow and cold. The city is a bit upset that locals didn’t shovel 30 inches of snow from their sidewalks within 24 hours. The fact that this was the big topic should say enough.

Looking back on our record breaking snowy winter (we now have record breaking summer heat in progress) it is hard to remember how things looked, but I do. The city didn’t bother plowing the main parking area for the downtown employees. The spots were never plowed…they just waited weeks until things melted. A vast number of “city” sidewalks were never cleared until locals got sick of walking in the middle of the road. Another key factor is that the city loved to plow the entire pile of snow from the street directly in to your sidewalk 2, 3, or more days after the storm. Does that mean you have 24 hours from the time the city plows your street?

Since my brain has leaked from my head in this endless heat/humidity I can’t answer the question of why we aren’t listed.

Or maybe I can. We aren’t a Top 100 city of any size. When looking for a solution, go with the simple one.