Late last night shots rang out for freedom. A sniper started shooting at cars driving along I-64. People got shot and were taken to the hospital. The highway was closed for most of the night. Schools are closed today. If you see a sniper walking around, be sure to call authorities.

In an exclusive phone message from the sniper, outskirts got the following statement on the outskirts bat phone early yesterday evening.

C-Ville hasn’t been getting ranked high enough in magazines lately. We have sunk down in to the lower teens, or even unlisted. I really feel we need to work our way back to the top spot, and by cutting down on the number of people ruining this area I figure we’ll go back up. Right?

People want this place to grow, have sports, and play. That is stupid. We have to stay the way we used to be. Small. Tiny. Insignificant.

And what the hell is up with the smoking rules. I need at least three packs a day. I tried to go to Enoteca and Hamilton’s last night [before the shooting] and they told me I couldn’t smoke out on their patio while drinking. Everyone should be able to inhale carcinogens I produce. Since I can’t kill them like that, I guess I’ll just head out and target non-smokers [hacking sounds for about 30 seconds]

Now, where are my eight rifles and ammo bought from a Virginia store via the internet. [phone slams down]

With this sniper running loose I guess we’ll stay small. I guess this shows the power of the common man where we all have common wealth.

Update: Fox and the Associated Press have picked up the story.