outskirts: life and times in charlottesville

Over the weekend the insidious “Crozet Kidnappers” struck right on the corner and took a UVA student hostage.

One anonymous source believes this could be a gang initiation task for those trying to join the CK’s.

In other news three were arrested for graffiti in a local graveyard. Could this be the end of the Smiley Face Gang? We’ll see. Two of the three sobered up and had a meal at jail but were then released.

Insiders say that each person in the gang was responsible for specific parts of the smiley face. I wonder if the faces will now be missing one part, such as an eye or a nose. That would be sad. It was always nice seeing a new face smiling in the morning.

In case any locals missed SNL last night, they did a sketch that featured a minor spoof of Dave Matthews. The character portraying DBM (dump bowel movement) had a rather low IQ and did nothing but smoke weed all day. I guess that is what the local strive to be. Death by chocolate was mildly humorous (tivo humorous that is).

I wonder if the local clans will write in to protest like they do any religious cartoon done at UVA. Hey Mary…how goes it baby?

When I wake up I sometimes feel hope…that I am anywhere other than this pissy sh*t little village. Maybe I should hang out with people that drive around in vans (the investigation rolls on…how much is there to investigate in a van down by the river?).

The Hoos have 5 billion sitting around in their coffers and keep sending me a letter every week asking for money. Can I ask them for money until we call it even at 2.5 billion? Until that…stop bothering me.

T-Shirt of the day: A confederate flag in the center of a black tee. Above it was the word Redneck. Below it was “Hell yes.” The woman wearing it was probably 22 but looked closer to 52 with that ghastly “I smoke 5 packs a day” tan to her skin.

Is there ANYONE in town that has that look worse than the hallmark hag on the mall? I’m surprised she hasn’t killed her dog with smoke (of course her dog is a rat, so it can survive most tortures…such as waterboarding, being enveloped by smoke, or living in C-Ville). Nothing tops going in to buy a get well card for someone in the hospital (the baby switching one of course) and having to walk through a dark haze of carcinogens.

There was a recent local story about the Dave Matthews Band (aka Dump Bowel Movement Band) being the “greenest band” in the country. How can anyone possibly forget that they just decided to dump all their shit from a bridge in Chicago when they were on tour. Is that really considered a green thing to do? Perhaps they should just be called a brown-ish band. I’m glad C-Ville considers DBM the superstar of town….where everyone wants to grow up to be him. That really does make this a crappy little town.

Charlottesville…the world class city. If you only count the third world. Can we get that painted up on a sign for one million?

C-Ville recently approved a few projects that were going to drastically improve existence here in the village. Since then they have decided that nothing over 50 feet tall should be allowed to be built. I wonder if they are going to tell the new luxury hotel to stop construction immediately. Will they shut down the other three projects that wanted to be greater than 50 feet tall? So C-Ville. I can’t wait until the tribal elders ban indoor plumbing and that newfangled elektrickity stuff that makes the automatic candles.

Three people go in, how many come out? Rather than a cage match the popular game here in the village seems to be a van match. Send them in to a van with a gun (every van has to have a gun in it here in VA..it’s a law!) and see who walks out.

Be sure to tune in to the Ultimate Village Wide Van Match. Now available on PPV for $79.95 (save 20% if you order by yesterday).

It seems as if the tribal elders want to spend the one million dollars on new signs because,

Charlottesville is a hard place to direct people, it’s a hard city to learn your way around for one thing.

How fucking dumb are the locals?

Do they not have the ability to learn how to read a map? Are they boggled by the perfect city roads that the tribal elders spend hours and hours debating at village meetings? Just because every road changes names an average of once every 1.5 blocks shouldn’t mean anything. Things like that are set up because rich white people owned certain things back in TJ’s day, including roads.

Remember how much the village wanted to spend on 4th Street crossing the mall? They claimed that it would cost almost one million to let cars run across the mall. Since that day the cars have been permanently running along the street, and NOT ONE FUCKING PENNY got spent on that road. Why was that going to cost 1M? Why the hell should a sign cost 1M?

Let’s think about this reasonably. If the elders say we will spend 1M what do you think we’ll really pay? Every single project (such as trying to put bricks on a 1/2 block area) have run over budget and over time. Can you picture 2.8 million bucks getting spent on signs in the next 5 years?

Pay me one million. I’ll put up some signs for you.

RIP: 1924-2008

I’m just so fu*king tired. This village kills people. I think my eyes are falling out of my head. I feel like I’m in Minority Report and I’m drinking rotten milk while having my eyes replaced.

Will my old eyes go rolling down a drain? Would that break rules about “clean” drains. Of course I’m now used to looking at the cute little fish sign painted next to the drain, where a car is leaking oil in to it. Eyes and oil. A great combo.