outskirts: life and times in charlottesville

The farce of a local music scene cranks up tonite at the Musical Marshmallow. People from around the area will show up for a free show. Cigs, whiskey, and banjos will be everywhere. Nothing tops giving your 2 year old their first cig at an outdoor concert in brutal heat/humidity.

As the music winds down people will try to leave the area. Walking more than 50 feet from the marshmallow can be dangerous. Who can possibly forget the beatings that happened last year. The highlight of them all was the one on Belmont Bridge at just after 9pm last summer when two people were attacked. For about 9 weeks in a row a beating took place. Will this be another Summer of C-Ville Sam?

If you see a beating taking place be sure to contact the proper authorities. It is good to constantly stay on your cell phone to report crime immediately (this was the technique that saved a UVA student a few months ago). You should also carry a flashlight so you can see criminals hiding in bushes. And since this is Virginia, be sure to bring your gun. You keep it loaded and in your pants or coat with one hand on it and the safety off so that you can respond quickly….just like Kyle in the Tech-Noir.

Some woman killed someone. This happened 3 days ago and I have seen no update posted anywhere. Did the police just sweep this one under the rug? Was it a “one day before the Ides of April” Fools’ day story?

I guess she isn’t involved with this stabbing that got reported a few minutes ago. Pretty much every story around here always contains the phrase, “the victim is not helping authorities.” Does that give you the slightest clue that gangs are rampant around here?

Speaking of rampant…drugs abound. Eight were arrested on federal charges today.

Now, does the person that robbed the donations to the American Cancer Society top the list of criminals this week? Or the hot dog burglar?

Gotta love local news.

Over the weekend the insidious “Crozet Kidnappers” struck right on the corner and took a UVA student hostage.

One anonymous source believes this could be a gang initiation task for those trying to join the CK’s.

In other news three were arrested for graffiti in a local graveyard. Could this be the end of the Smiley Face Gang? We’ll see. Two of the three sobered up and had a meal at jail but were then released.

Insiders say that each person in the gang was responsible for specific parts of the smiley face. I wonder if the faces will now be missing one part, such as an eye or a nose. That would be sad. It was always nice seeing a new face smiling in the morning.

When I wake up I sometimes feel hope…that I am anywhere other than this pissy sh*t little village. Maybe I should hang out with people that drive around in vans (the investigation rolls on…how much is there to investigate in a van down by the river?).

The Hoos have 5 billion sitting around in their coffers and keep sending me a letter every week asking for money. Can I ask them for money until we call it even at 2.5 billion? Until that…stop bothering me.

T-Shirt of the day: A confederate flag in the center of a black tee. Above it was the word Redneck. Below it was “Hell yes.” The woman wearing it was probably 22 but looked closer to 52 with that ghastly “I smoke 5 packs a day” tan to her skin.

Is there ANYONE in town that has that look worse than the hallmark hag on the mall? I’m surprised she hasn’t killed her dog with smoke (of course her dog is a rat, so it can survive most tortures…such as waterboarding, being enveloped by smoke, or living in C-Ville). Nothing tops going in to buy a get well card for someone in the hospital (the baby switching one of course) and having to walk through a dark haze of carcinogens.

There was a recent local story about the Dave Matthews Band (aka Dump Bowel Movement Band) being the “greenest band” in the country. How can anyone possibly forget that they just decided to dump all their shit from a bridge in Chicago when they were on tour. Is that really considered a green thing to do? Perhaps they should just be called a brown-ish band. I’m glad C-Ville considers DBM the superstar of town….where everyone wants to grow up to be him. That really does make this a crappy little town.

Charlottesville…the world class city. If you only count the third world. Can we get that painted up on a sign for one million?

Three people go in, how many come out? Rather than a cage match the popular game here in the village seems to be a van match. Send them in to a van with a gun (every van has to have a gun in it here in VA..it’s a law!) and see who walks out.

Be sure to tune in to the Ultimate Village Wide Van Match. Now available on PPV for $79.95 (save 20% if you order by yesterday).

The smiley face appears one day (March 26th). Sneer…maybe that is a better description.

And it is gone the next.

It only took 22 hours to catch a sniper. Why can’t we find this painter? This painter seems to be costing us a lot of cash.

I like how the city painting crew had to add the arch at the top to cover up where the eyebrow had been.

Speaking of signs, the city now wants to spend all my property taxes on new signs. Apparently people can’t find the downtown. So in the next four years C-Ville needs to spend ONE MILLION DOLLARS on signs. I think they should spend the money teaching people how to read. Perhaps if more money had been spent education the sniper would have been able to read that shooting at cars, people, and banks is illegal. Or maybe a sign indicating that you can’t shoot at cars.

If the city wants the most cost effective and creative solution, why can’t they just pay the smiley face gang minimum wage to put up a boat load of signs all around the area showing people how to get here? I bet that would run below 50k/year, and that would be a tremendous tourist attraction.

Late last night shots rang out for freedom. A sniper started shooting at cars driving along I-64. People got shot and were taken to the hospital. The highway was closed for most of the night. Schools are closed today. If you see a sniper walking around, be sure to call authorities.

In an exclusive phone message from the sniper, outskirts got the following statement on the outskirts bat phone early yesterday evening.

C-Ville hasn’t been getting ranked high enough in magazines lately. We have sunk down in to the lower teens, or even unlisted. I really feel we need to work our way back to the top spot, and by cutting down on the number of people ruining this area I figure we’ll go back up. Right?

People want this place to grow, have sports, and play. That is stupid. We have to stay the way we used to be. Small. Tiny. Insignificant.

And what the hell is up with the smoking rules. I need at least three packs a day. I tried to go to Enoteca and Hamilton’s last night [before the shooting] and they told me I couldn’t smoke out on their patio while drinking. Everyone should be able to inhale carcinogens I produce. Since I can’t kill them like that, I guess I’ll just head out and target non-smokers [hacking sounds for about 30 seconds]

Now, where are my eight rifles and ammo bought from a Virginia store via the internet. [phone slams down]

With this sniper running loose I guess we’ll stay small. I guess this shows the power of the common man where we all have common wealth.

Update: Fox and the Associated Press have picked up the story.

On the national level there are now more than 1% of people in prison here in the good old USA. The highest level in history. I’d be willing to bet that number is higher here in Central Virginia. Between drugs, bootleg DVD’s, and serial rapists we seem to have a lot around here. Yet another one was caught today. A man raped a child. Off to prison. No…wait…already out on bond. Maybe he’ll make it to court and then prison. Maybe not.

If Van Halen hadn’t flown out of town I’m sure he would have been arrested also.

The Van Halen concert was cancelled the other day and it seems as if he might have gotten involved in a brouhaha with some locals.

Does anyone around here even remember the 8 ball? Was it stolen back in 1999? I can barely remember anymore. Anyway, I think the owner found out he had stolen it back then, and Rapture wanted it back.

Now he is probably feeling a bit Black and Blue even though he is still Hot for Teacher. Next time he visits the Mean Streets of C-Ville he should try to Finish What he-ya Started, otherwise we might just send that Human Being to Panama so he can get some Poundcake. If you know what I mean.

I noticed a few of these showed up in the village in the past few days. Is this some sort of political campaign? Maybe this was a prelude to the Ralph Nader announcement. How long will it take the village to cover it with gray? I’d go with less than a week.

This face smiles at you as you walk from the mall to Belmont.

How many more of these are around? There is one over at Barracks Road Mall I’ve never noticed before. Did that just show up this weekend as well? Any other reports?