outskirts: life and times in charlottesville

Snow has blanketed the village. Residents have already cleared the shelves of all milk and bread. Toilet paper is almost gone and the price is now over $5/sheet. All school events have been canceled including sports and SAT Testing (I don’t need no stinkin’ testin’).

This photosimulation (they love that phrase around here) shows the downtown mall in front of the Wachovia Bank (click for full size image). The residents heard rumors there were cigarettes underneath this snowbank so will dig until their lungs give up. I’m betting they’ll be under the snowbanks shortly.

Between snow tires, flares on the side of the road, and begging for toilet paper, this is shaping up to be a very entertaining day.

Update: Photo of the trolley trying to navigate through the blizzard (from The Hook’s Webcam).

A Winter Storm Warning remains in effect until 7 PM EST this
evening.

Precipitation is expected to begin across the central and northern
Shenandoah Valley and Potomac Highlands around sunrise… and
spread into the central foothills soon thereafter. In the
mountains… the precipitation will start as snow. However… in the
central Shenandoah Valley… it should be a rain snow mix at
onset… and the precipitation likely will begin as rain around
Charlottesville and the central foothills.

Any rain will quickly change over to snow as cooler air is drawn
southeastward. Snow will become moderate to heavy during the late
morning and afternoon hours which may reduce visibilities to one
quarter mile or less. Snow will taper off early in the evening.

Snowfall totals of 5 to 8 inches are expected for areas along and
west of the Blue Ridge. The highest totals can be expected along
Skyline drive… where the cold air will reside the longest. Just
east of the Blue Ridge… snow accumulations of 4 to 6 inches can
be expected.

Temperatures are expected to fall into the lower 30s which will
lead to slippery roads.

A Winter Storm Warning means significant amounts of snow are
expected or occurring.

The ban has rapidly changed the mall. Chaos Law is now in effect. If you are smart you will avoid the mall at all costs.

Earlier in the day Kaine was rolling through town to promote the new law. I bumped into his shoulder and a few guys in black quickly took me to the ground. It was almost as good as the massage I had paid for earlier in the day. After he said hi to me he continued onward and talked with the local media:

Video from the Newsplex Overlords

Shortly after that things began to rapidly fall apart. The gorgeous mall has become engulfed in attacks for cigarettes by both man and beast. Men are even struggling to take back cigs from the beasts. As you can see in this photosimulation (the new term for picture here in town) the area just outside of CVS has become an intense struggle. The mall is in shambles and squirrels have rapidly mutated.

Charlottesville Downtown Mall shortly after smoking ban.

We all know how rambunctious the local squirrels are, and without being able to smoke in their favorite restaurants they have grown in both size and aggressiveness. In the photo you can see that several of the people that commonly sit outside our luxury hotel/CVS have taken down a squirrel that had taken a case from CVS. They may be safe for the moment, but there are both people and animals out there. Life, liberty and my cigarettes!

Holy crap…here comes a squirrel. OMG. Save me…ahhhhh…

Today was the day. Indoor smoking has been banned. Locals are in a state of shock. Many are out rampaging on the streets (but run out of breath after 1/2 a block). Miller’s is drawing up the paperwork for bankruptcy. Rumor has it they will then reopen as a private smoking club (similar to Kramer’s smoking club…and we know how that turned out).

So what can be done about this. A lot. Some bars (such as Miller’s and all the Hoo-bars) are contemplating velvet ropes with a big smoking bouncer. As patrons line up the only ones allowed in will be the ones that finish at least 3 cigs in less than 20 minutes. That is considered a good pace for real smokers. You’ll get in even faster and get VIP treatment if you crawl around on the ground to find a few butts and smoke three of those.

Others plan to just light up anyway. Rumor has it you’ll get a free beer at Miller’s for every nine $25 smoking violation tickets you get. Just like the punch cards for a free cup of coffee.

However, most (approximately 38% of the C-Ville residents are smokers) of the local are just going to become subservient to the socialist government and no longer smoke inside. Said one person at Rapture late one night, “I figure I’ll go out for a smoke and take a piss while I’m at it. It saves me a trip to the restroom.”

Wow. This will be interesting!

The big question for the few that don’t smoke is when will all restaurants start making their patios smoke-free. Several already do this. The Local is number one. No smoking. Fabulous (for the few that don’t smoke). Bang banned smoking on the back patio. Hamiton’s banned smoking on their outdoor tables two years ago! Will anyone else join in?

If a coffee shop would go smoke-free I’d say LaTaza is the best option, but I don’t see it happening, since some eat at the BBQ place across the street before getting coffee. BBQ eaters need to smoke as they choke on a long segment of cartilage. MudHouse attracts all the 15 year old wanna-be goths who smoke a pack while away from mommy, so they can’t ban the puffs. Guess the few non-smokers will be waiting for awhile.

If I’m not taken down by the rampaging crowds I’ll try to post a few updates later in the day.

Should Al be worried about his future now that he is unemployed and people think he is a terrible coach? I think not.

As has been expected for about 6 years, Al Groh was finally fired from UVA. Like a typical ACC man, Al recited a poem for his last press conference. I think the key phrase from that poem is, “You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years.” Al fooled the local community for years, and sucked more than twenty million dollars out of UVA while coaching to mediocre levels every single year (despite what some may say).

For this firing he got about 4.3 million dollars. He’ll be hanging out with the other UVA coaches that have been bought out in recent years. Millions and millions. I once ran in to one of those coaches at a Starbucks. When I went to grab the newspaper that was at the table next to his he told me to get my hands off his newspaper. Guess that is the overall philosophy of coaches around here.

Get your hands off my money (and everything else)!

If Al was a real man he would take that 4.3 million and donate to a scholarship program that would help students. How many students could be educated? Unfortunately, I don’t think that will happen. More likely is that I’ll run into him at a coffee shop where he’ll be discussing his investment opportunities and tell me not to touch his Wall Street Journal. Education, smeducation…show me the money.

Let’s face it, other than following stories such as people vanishing from concerts and bank robberies, it is boring beyond belief (the three b’s) around here. Having the DBM Band on SNL this weekend made things even worse since those that watched were subjected to the ultimate in doobed-up mush jingles that they call music (actually I think they only consider it muzak even in their own stoned minds). The crapinator continues to spinkle his stuff on society, and we all stink – especially here close to the source.

Having said that, here are some tidbits from recent news. One group seems to think we should have better biking in this area. Get a grip. This obese bunch of commuters has no clue what a bike is. While running through UVA campus I watched a bike sit unlocked against a tree for three weeks. No one seemed to care that a free bike was available. I guess the students BMW didn’t have a bike rack on it.

Discussions continue (and will never end) on the “Highway through the Park” interchange. This will end up being a bridge to Wal-mart, so I guess that is better than nowhere. Unfortunately, millions and millions of dollars have already vanished into an intersection that doesn’t yet exist. I also see no pedestrian considerations in the plan for connecting the downtown area to the park. What’s new.

Random bullets through houses continue to be a problem around here. Luckily we have no gangs or bad people around here. I’m sure it was just a high schooler who wanted to shoot at cars moving on highway. Oh, wait, we already had one of those. Perhaps this person was hunting walls.

Lots of construction projects are ongoing in this village. However, the vast majority resemble a large bird that hangs out by the ocean and will never get done. Of the three big ones, one is a plowed field and one is a rusting pile of beams. They won’t get done in the upcoming decade.

For the C-Ville Darwin Award of 2009 I still laugh every time I run by the house that a driver landed on. The road ended in a T, but the driver just kept right on going. Waking up to a car flying through your house probably isn’t fun. The entertaining part is that the cop was also having fun zipping along through heavy pedestrian areas at a high rate of speed. On the upside, the cop didn’t fly through the air into a house.

And finally, when you mention president’s and “oral history” I’m sure Bush isn’t the first thing that comes to mind, but guess who is coming to town? Bush and his oral history are coming to UVA. Will that fill up one cassette? Mission accomplished!

Now, please continue your vigil outside Miller’s in protest of the death of my best friend, the cigarette. Rumor has it the Dump Bowel Movement Band will show up on the 31st and pray for a stay of execution. I’ll be there to get a few photos, provided all the smoke doesn’t cause me to pass out.

Hurricane Ida has been parked over C-Ville for the past three days, and needless to say, there is absolutely no milk or bread left in any stores. Supplies of other key products such as diapers are also extremely low.

A brave citizen sent this amazing photo showing the utter chaos that has erupted on the downtown mall.

The wind was so strong that the child was swept away from the parent just after this photo was taken. The aggressive squirrels of the downtown area (of which one attacked the photographer as this picture was taken) quickly dealt with the child in a way that can’t be described in this family-based publication. Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty.

Coverage will continue until this storm leaves the area. Unless the squirrels get me. I’m scared. Really scared.

We all know that UVA and C-Ville like to consider themselves ranked number one in most every category that is ‘good,’ but should unaffordable housing and bad football be considered? Coldwell wrote up a story about how affordable college towns are.

Every fall, college football fans feel nostalgic for the tradition, lifestyle and spirit of their college towns as they cheer on their favorite teams. This year’s Coldwell Banker College Home Price Comparison Index (HPCI) reveals that these school-centric areas also sport very affordable homes, in addition to the culture and economic stability associated with higher education institutions – making them great areas to purchase real estate.

Now, where does C-Ville rank? Out of the 117 college towns with FBS football teams, UVA/C-Ville is the 100th most affordable. Only 17 football towns in the entire United States are more expensive than us.

Feel free to scroll through the list, but it will take you quite awhile to get down to the highfalutin UVA level. TJ loves it when people can’t afford to live and become educated. Education is only for the rich.

Did you make it all the way here? Well, if so, then you will be glad to know that the UVA offense is currently ranked 101 out of 120 football teams. Only 19 teams score less than the Hoos. 101 in offense, 100 in affordability. Neither is good. Of course, getting a ticket to see the Hoos…that is cheap (or should I say priceless?).

Smokers here in Virginny are beginning to panic. In just three weeks the restaurants will be going smoke-free. Miller’s patrons are contemplating the process of turning it a private club so they can continue to smoke with themselves and their kids (rumor has it DMB is paying the costs of the paperwork). Rapture is planning on closing at 5pm every night, since they assume they will get no business. Things will change. Evil is taking over. New private clubs will be built.

Speaking with a number of locals it seems as if the village has done a study. They predict that business will plummet by around 70% due to the number of smokers around here. Luckily, they plan to sell the bricks from the downtown mall to raise money for establishments that are near bankruptcy.

Can the village survive this attack? Will anyone survive? Is TJ rolling (a doobie) in his doped-up grave?

We don’t know what the future holds, but without a puff, I fear it will be bad.

In the beginning the Tribal Elders created the downtown mall.

Now the mall was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the main road, and the Ghost of TJ was hovering over the bums.

And Tribal Elders said, “Let there be bricks,” and there were bricks. TJ saw that the bricks were good, and the Tribal Elders spent millions to rebrick. TJ called the new bricks “good,” and the fountains he called “malfunctioning.” And there were malfunctions, and there were repairs – the first year.

And Tribal Elders said, “Let there be pipes between the fountains to separate water from water.” So Tribal Elders made the pipes and separated the pipes under the bricks from the fountains above it. And it was so. Tribal Elders called the bricks “mostly complete.” And there were malfunctions, and there were repairs — the second year…

– CVillenesis 1:2

After two years without functioning fountains on the downtown mall they are once again spurting spray into the air to the joys of the huddled masses (huddled because winter is here). It is the week before November. When the 7.5 million dollar rebricking was completed in the spring there were supposed to be lots more fountains (along with the old ones). They were all supposed to work. Well…the cash couldn’t buy any new ones so focus went back to the old ones. After 6 months of work, the time arrived!

This photo shows how excited the team was. The Nook Fountain was about to begin spurting. The Tribal Elders had a full blown fountain SWAT team working on the situation.

So now that the fountains are working once again, I’d lay money they have to get shut down next week. I seem to recall that is also when the village makes the restaurants remove all outdoor tables. Timing is everything, but it seems as if C-Ville missed school on the day that lesson was taught. Maybe the elders were hanging out with TJ and his swinging boys.

An article in Children’s Health Magazine selected the Top 100 Best Places to Raise Kids, and guess what? Charlottesville is not in the list. Places such as Newark, Richmond, Norfolk, Baltimore, and Detroit were all among the top 100. C-Ville was not.

When exactly did C-Ville become a big pile of trash in the breeder result community, and what can be done about it?

Locals have already begun to rise up in protest. I believe a statement has been passed along to the city council and is on the agenda for the next meeting when we discuss which roads can’t be built, which cesspools can’t be drudged, and when we will apologize for something else TJ used to do (if you know what I mean).

Perhaps what should really be done is look at how the contest was rigged. Just look at the list of items that was included when determining the best cities. Many things were included such as percentage of houses that are occupied by owners. According to census figures the state average is 68%. Here in C-Ville that is only 40%. Median family income is another issue. The state average (in 1999) was 24k. In C-Ville it was 17k.

The number living below the poverty line in the state was 9.6%, but it C-Ville it was an astounding 25.9% More than a quarter of the population lives below the poverty line. If you look around, not much has changed since 1999. As a matter of fact, it is easy to see how many more homeless are on the streets around here.

Zoos are good. We have none. Sex offenders are bad. We have lots, and they like sitting next to the kids play area on the mall.

I guess it is easy to see why this is not a good place to raise kids.