outskirts: life and times in charlottesville

…small town life

We all know the people around here have a tough time walking further than the distance from their front door to their car door (as is evidence by the recent snow and the fact that no one could walk to a grocery store), but the Olympics are always fun to watch (especially with beer in hand). If you locals want to continue to be lazy you should at least browse over a bit to support Team USA.

This Friday February 12, the world will gather to watch top athletes from around the globe compete in the Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver. Our athletes from Team USA, who have been training their entire lives will take the stage to represent our country. I’m hoping that you could share the news about Team USA to get some excitement going.

Anyone who registers on Teamusa.org will have access to the latest info and will receive exclusive updates throughout the games.

Now I can consider myself on the “good” list for X-mas next year 🙂

The ban has rapidly changed the mall. Chaos Law is now in effect. If you are smart you will avoid the mall at all costs.

Earlier in the day Kaine was rolling through town to promote the new law. I bumped into his shoulder and a few guys in black quickly took me to the ground. It was almost as good as the massage I had paid for earlier in the day. After he said hi to me he continued onward and talked with the local media:

Video from the Newsplex Overlords

Shortly after that things began to rapidly fall apart. The gorgeous mall has become engulfed in attacks for cigarettes by both man and beast. Men are even struggling to take back cigs from the beasts. As you can see in this photosimulation (the new term for picture here in town) the area just outside of CVS has become an intense struggle. The mall is in shambles and squirrels have rapidly mutated.

Smokers and Squirrels on Downtown Mall
Charlottesville Downtown Mall shortly after smoking ban.

We all know how rambunctious the local squirrels are, and without being able to smoke in their favorite restaurants they have grown in both size and aggressiveness. In the photo you can see that several of the people that commonly sit outside our luxury hotel/CVS have taken down a squirrel that had taken a case from CVS. They may be safe for the moment, but there are both people and animals out there. Life, liberty and my cigarettes!

Holy crap…here comes a squirrel. OMG. Save me…ahhhhh…

Indoor Smoking Ban

Today was the day. Indoor smoking has been banned. Locals are in a state of shock. Many are out rampaging on the streets (but run out of breath after 1/2 a block). Miller’s is drawing up the paperwork for bankruptcy. Rumor has it they will then reopen as a private smoking club (similar to Kramer’s smoking club…and we know how that turned out).

So what can be done about this. A lot. Some bars (such as Miller’s and all the Hoo-bars) are contemplating velvet ropes with a big smoking bouncer. As patrons line up the only ones allowed in will be the ones that finish at least 3 cigs in less than 20 minutes. That is considered a good pace for real smokers. You’ll get in even faster and get VIP treatment if you crawl around on the ground to find a few butts and smoke three of those.

Others plan to just light up anyway. Rumor has it you’ll get a free beer at Miller’s for every nine $25 smoking violation tickets you get. Just like the punch cards for a free cup of coffee.

However, most (approximately 38% of the C-Ville residents are smokers) of the local are just going to become subservient to the socialist government and no longer smoke inside. Said one person at Rapture late one night, “I figure I’ll go out for a smoke and take a piss while I’m at it. It saves me a trip to the restroom.”

Wow. This will be interesting!

The big question for the few that don’t smoke is when will all restaurants start making their patios smoke-free. Several already do this. The Local is number one. No smoking. Fabulous (for the few that don’t smoke). Bang banned smoking on the back patio. Hamiton’s banned smoking on their outdoor tables two years ago! Will anyone else join in?

If a coffee shop would go smoke-free I’d say LaTaza is the best option, but I don’t see it happening, since some eat at the BBQ place across the street before getting coffee. BBQ eaters need to smoke as they choke on a long segment of cartilage. MudHouse attracts all the 15 year old wanna-be goths who smoke a pack while away from mommy, so they can’t ban the puffs. Guess the few non-smokers will be waiting for awhile.

If I’m not taken down by the rampaging crowds I’ll try to post a few updates later in the day.

In possibly the most shocking news since Monticello admitted TJ slept with Sally (oh wait…did they ever officially admit to that?), the Virginia Senate approved several bills that will ban smoking in bars and restaurants here in the (un)commonwealth.

Now the bills will head off to the Virginia House which is “where bills go to die,” along with the babies of the politicians (primarily Republicans in the House).

If the house won’t pass this, I suggest all the members of the house get put in the Dulles “smoking chamber” for a few weeks along with their kids. And if at all possible, feed their kids a diet containing recalled milk products from China and vegetables grown with a heavy dose of DDT. Mmm….tasty.

Baby wants cig.

The poll this week has drawn quite a bit of attention from readers that dropped me email. Some have requested other NBC29 people get added, and others have let me know a few tidbits of info about some of the NBC29 celebrities.

More info will get posted this weekend…developing story…

In other news, don’t go outside on Saturday unless you want to get taken down by 30,000 drunk people going out to stand in 80+ degree heat and thunderstorms, watch horsies jump around (caution: death of horsies is possible), eat barbecued pigs, and drink till they pass out in mud. That is what makes the south the place to die young (as life expectancy here in the south plummets).

Instead of spending hours driving out there, the locals should just walk/jog out there. It really isn’t very far you know. Of course, you would then stand a good chance of getting run down. They love doing that to pedestrians around here.

Update: Won’t get around to posting new info until Monday evening.

Looks like (or should I say feels like) a week of hell took me down. Snot is shooting out of my nose like breeder results from C-Ville breeders. I can feel the tickle in the nose and throat. It woke me up.

A pity I’ll now feel like utter crap for the next few weeks. Everyone that has gotten sick in this plague-infested/ground zero village has been taken down for at least 2 weeks.

I avoided it all year, but one week of true hell seems to have shut down my immunity. Say hello to nights full of kleenex and days full of blurry functionality. Guess it is time to go try to spread the plague at hoity toity (aka Harris Teeter) while buying my week of food for $25 or less (that is all I can afford after the village has sucked me dry by raising property taxes by 14%…can you say recession?…not in the heart of the village).

I ran the Run for Life 5k this weekend. I got there rather late and after getting registered I had 30 seconds to get my number pinned on my chest and get to the start line. I’d been in DC for most of the week and hadn’t exercised at all (other than miles of walking). Morning of race… No warm up. No water. No breakfast. No nothing….except for 4 martinis the night before. Needless to say, the run didn’t go very well. Right around 22:40. My thighs still hurt a bit. Not a good sign.

The 10 miler is this coming weekend. Everyone in C-Ville runs it. I haven’t yet registered. I wonder if they have sold out of bibs. I’ll try to register, but if not possible I’ll just run my standard 10 mile course that morning…which just happens to follow that same course 🙂 If I can get under 88 minutes I’d be happy. That would be my worst time ever in the race. I’m really not in very good running shape right now. Oh well.

I’m down to 157. Slowly working down to 150. I don’t feel very lively though. I think it is spring allergies that do nothing but make me tired every spring. A few sneezes…but 99% is a body attack. Fall is the sneezing season for me.

Almost 50% of the breeder results here in the village are classified as fat pigs. We crush (so to speak) the national average. I though this was supposed to be a really fit city where everyone bikes, exercises, walks through nature, etc. At least that is what the village promotes. In reality, as I’ve said many times, this place is full of obese people of which a good chunk smoke. The model view of health.

Of course, I’m also a fat pig at 159. I have 9 pounds left to lose in the next 8 weeks (or so). Running 25 miles this week was helpful. Hitting the gym twice was good (another 5 miles of running and one more trip to the gym are in store for the weekend).

The running season here in the village got started with a 5k on Saturday morning. It was a pretty good temperature, but the wind was rather gusty. For my first timed run of the year I came in at 22:30. Not great…but under 25, so I get to live for another year (first year I can’t get done in under 25 is when it all ends).

Upcoming races: MJ8k, Run for Life, 10 miler, half/full marathon (not sure if I want to try the full one over the hills around here), and the Kiwanis 5k. That takes it to July 4.

I signed up for the NYC marathon and hope I get in via the lottery. Will try to run one or two other marathons this year…but I really should go see the knee guy in town one of these days.

As for my weight loss gameplan. Last Saturday I weighed in at 163. Now down to 160. Working towards 150. I see a salad for lunch tomorrow…plus a run, since it will be 70 degrees (sure is tough in the winter here…has snow day written all over it).

I’d post some news from the village…but lordy…nothing ever happens here. I really wonder why local news folks don’t all flip due to boredom. I bet alcoholism is really high among them. More on this topic on another day. Boredom has drained my brain.

I hadn’t stepped on a scale since before I ran the marathon back in November. I have been feeling a bit “heavy” lately, so I dusted it off and took a step on to it. Not a pretty sight. I’m almost 10% overweight.

I have to drop an even dozen (pounds that is…not eggs). I’ll give myself a ten week deadline. Although optimistically I’ll go with seven weeks. We’ll see how it goes. I’ll be posting weekly updates.

If it works I guess I should write a “Diet with Outskirts Guy” book. Chapter 1: Eat less. Chapter 2: Workout more. Guess that is about it.