outskirts: life and times in charlottesville

…small town life

Wow…after all that bankruptcy stuff it looks like the Landmark Hotel is starting to rent out the rooms on Craigslist. Stellar views!

—- from Craigslist —-

Flash forward to the design of the near future, where walls and windows are optical illusions!

Spread out and run free through our very open floor plan, multiple floors and views you won’t believe.

Designed to get you back in touch with nature through direct exposure!

Over 9 floors with easy access crane included!

The perfect fixer upper for you construction crew types and a wonderful investment in the cities future.

Plenty of paid parking available and pets are welcome!

Although most of the local authorities won’t say it publicly, I’ve been in contact with one individual who is willing to state the truth: goats were the cause for our recent financial disaster here in C-Ville.

During the middle of the day the financial sector of downtown was evacuated due to sewage issues. Locals couldn’t get money. Computers had to be shut down. With no money the local establishments had no incoming cash and people had to be let go. It was chaos. When they reopened the bank panic ensued – people were wondering if the money was really safe.

My source tells me that this sewage problem was due excessive crap (similar in nature to DBM Band issue) of goats! Goats are the story of 2010 here in the village. Almost everyone now has a goat in their yard. Goat attacks are becoming common.

Although whispers are dangling in the light winter breeze, it looks as if the goats are now after our water supply. Excessive poop has caused unequal pressures in the pipes of the community, and this led to the breakage of a big water pipe (or ‘mater’ as it appears in the opening sentence) in the downtown area.

Will castrated hornless goats be the end of the good life in C-Ville? I guess we’ll find out in 2011. Stay tuned for more stories on disasters caused by our local goat explosion!

Villagers are running to the stores in vast numbers causing massive shortages of bread and milk. Why? There is a chance of freezing rain tonight. Reports from Barracks Road say that hundreds of people are running in and out of the local Harris Teeter in an effort to find the last loaf. Be sure to get bread now!

Possible image of current situation at Barracks Road Mall.

Ever since TJ had fun with the ladies this area has been a place where radical things happen. A street was turned in to a mall, the parking lot of our train station was turned from a dirt pile parking lot to a nice paved parking lot (oh wait…that modernizing hasn’t happened), a really fancy hotel was completed (never mind), and stadium style theaters came to town (hmm…I hear by 2020).

So it is no doubt that the massive fire ignited in a dumpster in front of Perriello’s office had a purpose. After an in-depth investigation it has become apparent that the action was due to a local political party that has had enough government.

A law was recently passed that has put unbearable restrictions on the local community. Section 10-124 has banned public urinating and/or defecating! This is not humane. How can one possibly survive under this oppression.

It hasn’t gotten quite as much press as other political parties, but the Pee Party has claimed responsibility. One member of the party said, “If humans can’t piss in public then how can we possibly survive after all government has been eliminated in the upcoming days. There will be no fire department, no police, and no schools. Fires will run rampant and Charlottesville will burn like Chicago did way back when in the days of cows and lanterns.”

The Pee Party (started in 1875 when UVA was rebuilding from the Great Fire) stands for Peeing Extinguishes Exothermics and their number one priority is to encourage people to piss whenever they see a fire. Another member said, “There is no better way to get quick response to flame…if you know what I mean.”

Unfortunately, the protest didn’t turn out very well. No one chose to piss and the local fire department was called to deal with the political attack. The Pee Party is planning their next attack.

[Special thanks to Mr. T for the video clip]

In the maddening world of urban renewal we all know where the future is going. Goats. Goats are good for everything. Stew, milk, hair, bedbugs, and even companionship. That is why they deserve justice. The Charlottesville Goat Justice League is fighting for their rights.

An anonymous source (who refused to give their name) said that the League refuses to let their be any discrimination against goats. Right now the locals force your goat to weigh less than 100 pounds, and if it is male it gets “taken care of,” so no breeding will ever happen. The League can’t take this and will do everything they can to give goats equal rights, and the ability to move throughout the urban landscape.

The Charlottesville Goat Justice League has now formed a group in combination with the village elders called the Goats Urban Transit System committee (GUTS). This committee plans to raise funding (and possibly city taxes) for a transit system for the goats that will use the Shweeb system.

Goats in Charlottesville Mall

A spokesperson for the committee says, “this will allow the goats to easily move from one area to another where they can eat and breed with no hassles whatsoever – exactly as Thomas Jefferson envisioned it. This will make the area beautiful with goats traveling overhead throughout the city.”

goats at monticello

I know my goat will be happy. Fight on Charlottesville Goat Justice League. We want GUTS! We want GUTS!

The biggest thing going on in C-Ville right now is the debate over goats. Should goats be allowed in the village or not? Goats are good for pets, food, fur, yard maintenance, and many other things (I guess).

Know Your Goat

I’m sure one of the goals of allowing goats is so all the perfect super-smart kids (or so the parent will tell you) can have a new pet. A local teen was recently seen with an illegally imported show goat. Seeing more of these youth hanging out at Mudhouse, smoking a cig, and grooming their pets would really be a gas.

Pink Pet Goat

Let’s think about this for a bit. Given the fact that people can’t keep their cats and dogs properly locked up do you really think the goats could be kept under control? Not a chance. I’ve even seen a pig running around loose in town, and I also recall that some cows got loose a few years ago from a cattle auction.

Since the goats will be running around I’m sure they will do what pretty much all the locals like to do…breed. In no time at all the village will be a crazed madhouse full of goats (hopefully no goat zombies). Once the goats run out of tin cans, cigarette butts, and baby diapers they’ll have to turn to other sources of food….plants. The grass won’t last very long so they will then look upward to one of our greatest resources – trees. Now, I hate to say this, but goats can climb trees.

Can you just imagine what will happen when they find their way to the downtown mall? This inception-ish video was taken in my mind and shows what many experts think will happen when the city passes a law that allows goats. Are you ready?

Every day since July 3rd has been hot. Burning hot. Not a single day has seen a high below 90. A half dozen days have been over 100.

All will and hope hope have been baked out of the village. I’ve been doing my best (as you can see in the self-portrait) to get powers to provide relief (other than Dominion). Will today be the first day where we don’t see 90? Will hope return to the Charlottesvilleites? Will the village survive?

I’ve killed a few lambs so one can only hope.

Local police and riot squads are preparing for an estimated 25,000 people that will be paying $50 to have their picture taken with a true American hero, Joe The (unlicensed) Plumber.

Joe The Plumber

Be sure to stop by Arch’s Frozen Yogurt to have your picture taken. Local resident feel that he is the best representative for this region since he is so similar to Thomas Jefferson in philosophy and their long lasting sociopolitical importance. To top that off, they both enjoyed a few smokes (although TJ had his own “cigs” if you know what I mean).

There is a rumor that Joe might even drop by the downtown mall to try to get the fountains working once again.

Time to go beg for a few bucks so I can get my picture taken! See ya’ll there. Authorities suggest you use mass transit rather than drive due to lack of parking on the corner, and the potential for snow covered roads.

The ban has rapidly changed the mall. Chaos Law is now in effect. If you are smart you will avoid the mall at all costs.

Earlier in the day Kaine was rolling through town to promote the new law. I bumped into his shoulder and a few guys in black quickly took me to the ground. It was almost as good as the massage I had paid for earlier in the day. After he said hi to me he continued onward and talked with the local media:

Video from the Newsplex Overlords

Shortly after that things began to rapidly fall apart. The gorgeous mall has become engulfed in attacks for cigarettes by both man and beast. Men are even struggling to take back cigs from the beasts. As you can see in this photosimulation (the new term for picture here in town) the area just outside of CVS has become an intense struggle. The mall is in shambles and squirrels have rapidly mutated.

Smokers and Squirrels on Downtown Mall
Charlottesville Downtown Mall shortly after smoking ban.

We all know how rambunctious the local squirrels are, and without being able to smoke in their favorite restaurants they have grown in both size and aggressiveness. In the photo you can see that several of the people that commonly sit outside our luxury hotel/CVS have taken down a squirrel that had taken a case from CVS. They may be safe for the moment, but there are both people and animals out there. Life, liberty and my cigarettes!

Holy crap…here comes a squirrel. OMG. Save me…ahhhhh…

Hurricane Ida has been parked over C-Ville for the past three days, and needless to say, there is absolutely no milk or bread left in any stores. Supplies of other key products such as diapers are also extremely low.

A brave citizen sent this amazing photo showing the utter chaos that has erupted on the downtown mall.

Ida Hits C-Ville

The wind was so strong that the child was swept away from the parent just after this photo was taken. The aggressive squirrels of the downtown area (of which one attacked the photographer as this picture was taken) quickly dealt with the child in a way that can’t be described in this family-based publication. Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty.

Coverage will continue until this storm leaves the area. Unless the squirrels get me. I’m scared. Really scared.