outskirts: life and times in charlottesville

…small town life

Every day since July 3rd has been hot. Burning hot. Not a single day has seen a high below 90. A half dozen days have been over 100.

All will and hope hope have been baked out of the village. I’ve been doing my best (as you can see in the self-portrait) to get powers to provide relief (other than Dominion). Will today be the first day where we don’t see 90? Will hope return to the Charlottesvilleites? Will the village survive?

I’ve killed a few lambs so one can only hope.

Let’s face it, only 3 other times in C-Ville history has there been a storm this bad. It was so bad, it even made it in to the local paper.

Snowstorm in the News

1-2 feet of snow currently forecast. The village may end up being permanently shut down. Nevermore more cried the raven.

Note: Every single event for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday is canceled.

Update: The village is shut down until 2010. Thank you, and enjoy your fish. Webcam of the devastation.

Early this year we got a small ‘show‘ of pole dancing at a local establishment. Well, it went over so well that the United States Pole Dancing Association had their championships here in town, and over 500 women took part.

This pole dancing craze is taking over the local community. Women now have a chance to prepare for this glamorous job while at UVA. The organizers admit that pole dancing is primarily an activity for gentleman’s clubs, but that is a good thing according Tonya Tail. Perhaps it might help some of our local entrepreneurs.



I heard that prior to the homecoming game All Groan took the entire team to a location to watch a lot of pole dancing. Look how that turned out this week. Big, big, big victory.

Perhaps we need a lot more pole dancing in the area.

Looks like C-Ville is going to have some fun on Friday evening at Siips [sic]. Women who have been training at things such as lap dancing, pole dancing, and boa dancing will be putting on a show/tell at 6pm.

Anyone feel up to doing a live report? Here is a possible view of the event, along with a few tips.



Now this is what I call historic (excluding the orgies that used to occur at Fellini’s).

Just like the lifestyles of the rich and famous, I got out of C-Ville a few weeks ago, and won’t be back until 2009. To afford to live in the village I had to go away for a week to teach a class which I was on vacation from my real job. Making money while on vacation, and never taking a day off is the way of life in the village.

After teaching for a week I then took a job in Colorado where I would earn a meager salary while taking care of two purebred dogs, four cats that cost more than I make every year, and a greenhouse full of world-class orchids. If anything dies, I die. A pressure cooker of a job.

Money continues to roll in. I live in fear of going back to C-Ville though. My assessment on my house is due to show up in the mail. I’m sure it has gone up another 14-18% like it has for the past four years, despite the fact that it is now worth about 70% of how much I owe on my mortgage. In case no one has noticed, C-Ville is undergoing an economic collapse. The historic downtown mall is almost desolate, and 7.5 million dollars worth of bricks won’t help very much (of course I heard they will soon charge admission fees to the mall…just like at Disneyland). But no matter, I’m sure the village elders will lower my property tax by 0.05% while raising my assessment by 20%. They like doing that, and of course finding hundreds of thousands of dollars laying around their offices made their holidays.

But I am babbling. Let me try to focus. Focus. Focus. Ah hell…keep babbling (at least until my hourly spraying of the dreaded orchids).

2008 started out like every other year in C-Ville. Child pornographers that were high level church folks getting caught, guys getting a cup of coffee and then walking to rob a bank, tribal elders spending millions on “research” for various projects while their “friends” got rich, the Dump Bowel Movement (DMB) bandleader farted on digital tape and released it as a #1 single (in the city rankings), and gun toting teens shutting down a major highway (back in my day I didn’t need a gun… a match was plenty).

The year is almost over. What is up in the village? Since I’m currently drowning in dog hair I’ve only been able to check the local news sources via the web, but it has certainly been interesting. Locals that aren’t getting run over are pissed as hell that the cigarette tax might increase. Let me briefly go in to more detail on these two incidents.

I once went in to the Lucky 7 and the woman (I think) was smoking like a chimney inside the store. Two others have reported similar incidents where one or more of the employees were smoking while working at the register. I’m sure they’ll have no problem shoplifting cigs from their own store. According to the story thirty three percent of the shoppers want to buy cigs. What year is it in the village? I fear it is still the 50’s. I heard cigarettes are good for you. At least that is what they tell you around here. I think this poster is still up in most of the local businesses. Ho ho ho.

Santa Smokes

As for pedestrians getting run down in town, it has really become an old story. The title of one news story was “More peds hit.” Even the local media is getting bored with it. A person in a wheel chair was run down by a cop. Another ped incident had a local reporter and John Grisham both at the scene. Rumor has it JG just wanted to mow someone down while researching an upcoming book. It is clear that people can’t drive in C-Ville, people can’t walk in C-Ville, and people can’t plan for the future. The village elders have no clue what growth is.

So that was 2008. A miserable year in a stagnant little village. Smokers rule. Kiddie porn is tops. Bad music is rampant. For rent/lease signs dominate the downtown mall landscape. I’d try to paint a pretty picture, but I can’t afford paint, since the cost of living divided by the mean income of residents in the village is one of the highest in the country.

What will 2009 bring? Probably more garbage. And speaking of garbage, Tipster K continues to attack the powers that be about the ludicrous city garbage tags that are becoming the new scenery of the drill baby drill Virginia coastline (we are the first state in the country hitting the drills!).

Here’s a couple of pictures of the seal of the great city of Charlottesville as it begins it journey to the Chespaeake Bay.

Yesterday I found a sticker on the street near my house in mint condition. An appointed member of Charlottesville’s government told me that he hasn’t bought a sticker in over two years. He just re-uses the stickers he finds on the street in his neighborhood.

Trash sticker heading in to sewer.

Trash sticker heading in to sewer.

City Seal in Sewer

City Seal in Sewer

So that is a wrap (or sticker in this case). Garbage was the dominant story of 2008 in the village. For more of the year in review be sure to drop by The Hook’s summary (speaking of which, why do we still have two weekly papers?).

I think the cats now need to be spoon fed. If I get time I’ll try to get my village prognostication skills up and running for 2009. Orchid…stop…stop blooming…arrgghhh…

C-Ville certainly seems to have a lot of wealthy individuals, so if you feel up to it, give some back, especially if you want kids (aka breeder results) to enjoy next summer.

I remember one fun summer when I set fire to a bit of a field that shut down a major metropolitan highway. Do you want kids to have the fun that I did? I didn’t think so. Now cough up some bucks.

Skating in Red

A shot from a skating rink that was set up next to the Port of San Francisco in a small park. I was debating where to eat and noticed a few people skating that evening. I ended up doing Thai food that night.

Just like an ancient Greek bird…outskirts has risen from the ashes of the California fires. The site is no longer sitting on an 8 year old computer that sits under a mostly empty bottle of vodka and spider webs in the corner of my house.

Now, what happened in the village while I was gone? Nothing. Should I have expected something to happen? I must, I must, I must decrease my expectations.