outskirts: life and times in charlottesville

C-Ville has been decimated by yet another blizzard to end all blizzards. In this photo you can see that only a few have ventured into the total whiteout situation.

View of downtown mall at 11 am

Whatever you do, stay inside. Single digit temperatures are sure to freeze locals to lampposts as they lick them (they never seem to learn around here).

Image of local who tried to lick this post at 8am this morning. He is still there (this reporter does news and never interferes with the circle of life.

I’m putting on my parka gear. If I survive the trip I might get a few snapshots posted later today. If not…may the wolves enjoy a good snack.

Also, for those that have read this far, you should note that the downtown mall has been converted to the main road through town. This is because it was plowed and no roads have been. Cars have also started parking on the mall since they can easily walk in to the three stores that have remained open. Most storefronts have just become smoker hangouts.

There is a chance of snow this weekend. Local authorities are urging you to get out now and buy your guns and beer. They remind you that these are the two key items to life.

Now go buy. Remember to never drink (more than two cases) and drive. The guy in this photo (I think it is TJ) is ready! Are you?

Local police and riot squads are preparing for an estimated 25,000 people that will be paying $50 to have their picture taken with a true American hero, Joe The (unlicensed) Plumber.

Be sure to stop by Arch’s Frozen Yogurt to have your picture taken. Local resident feel that he is the best representative for this region since he is so similar to Thomas Jefferson in philosophy and their long lasting sociopolitical importance. To top that off, they both enjoyed a few smokes (although TJ had his own “cigs” if you know what I mean).

There is a rumor that Joe might even drop by the downtown mall to try to get the fountains working once again.

Time to go beg for a few bucks so I can get my picture taken! See ya’ll there. Authorities suggest you use mass transit rather than drive due to lack of parking on the corner, and the potential for snow covered roads.

No, I’m not talking about response time to dealing with snow (although we may find out tonight when up to one inch may fall) – I’m talking about dealing with the ‘Kill Whitey’ graffiti artist here in C-Ville.

This one was first spotted on Tuesday morning, and at some point during the day of Thursday it was eradicated. It is now just a lovely gray rectangle.

Not only is a 48 hour turnaround impressive, it is even more amazing since it is cold as hell outside. How on Earth did the artist and the cover-up crew manage to paint with these extreme temperatures?

I wonder when the artist will strike once again. If anyone knows, feel free to pass it along. I’ll keep my frozen eyes peeled.

Let’s face it, only 3 other times in C-Ville history has there been a storm this bad. It was so bad, it even made it in to the local paper.

1-2 feet of snow currently forecast. The village may end up being permanently shut down. Nevermore more cried the raven.

Note: Every single event for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday is canceled.

Update: The village is shut down until 2010. Thank you, and enjoy your fish. Webcam of the devastation.

As we know, C-Ville is a place of friendliness and peace, especially during the holidays. That is why I’m wondering what exactly this graffiti means. It has been up on the lovely Garrett Road wall since the day before Thanksgiving. Hundreds of commuters see this every single day.

Here are my best guesses.

Kill Whitey is a new band in the area. We know how musical this place is (or should I say “think” they are..since DBM is really not music..it is crap). So, has anyone heard of Kill Whitey?

Whitey is in the kitchen with Mrs. Plumb playing with a candlestick, if you know what I mean. Someone is about to get killed.

Someone meant to write Bill Whitey, but they smoked a lot, so didn’t know how to spell their own first name.

Anyone else have a guess? I’m just wondering why it has taken so long to paint over this one. Probably everyone is so busy with the holidays that no one really cares who gets killed around here.

A look back at the wall: Frenchy, French Fried, Hoof Hearted, This Way is Better, and Smiley Face Gang.

Snow has blanketed the village. Residents have already cleared the shelves of all milk and bread. Toilet paper is almost gone and the price is now over $5/sheet. All school events have been canceled including sports and SAT Testing (I don’t need no stinkin’ testin’).

This photosimulation (they love that phrase around here) shows the downtown mall in front of the Wachovia Bank (click for full size image). The residents heard rumors there were cigarettes underneath this snowbank so will dig until their lungs give up. I’m betting they’ll be under the snowbanks shortly.

Between snow tires, flares on the side of the road, and begging for toilet paper, this is shaping up to be a very entertaining day.

Update: Photo of the trolley trying to navigate through the blizzard (from The Hook’s Webcam).

A Winter Storm Warning remains in effect until 7 PM EST this
evening.

Precipitation is expected to begin across the central and northern
Shenandoah Valley and Potomac Highlands around sunrise… and
spread into the central foothills soon thereafter. In the
mountains… the precipitation will start as snow. However… in the
central Shenandoah Valley… it should be a rain snow mix at
onset… and the precipitation likely will begin as rain around
Charlottesville and the central foothills.

Any rain will quickly change over to snow as cooler air is drawn
southeastward. Snow will become moderate to heavy during the late
morning and afternoon hours which may reduce visibilities to one
quarter mile or less. Snow will taper off early in the evening.

Snowfall totals of 5 to 8 inches are expected for areas along and
west of the Blue Ridge. The highest totals can be expected along
Skyline drive… where the cold air will reside the longest. Just
east of the Blue Ridge… snow accumulations of 4 to 6 inches can
be expected.

Temperatures are expected to fall into the lower 30s which will
lead to slippery roads.

A Winter Storm Warning means significant amounts of snow are
expected or occurring.

The ban has rapidly changed the mall. Chaos Law is now in effect. If you are smart you will avoid the mall at all costs.

Earlier in the day Kaine was rolling through town to promote the new law. I bumped into his shoulder and a few guys in black quickly took me to the ground. It was almost as good as the massage I had paid for earlier in the day. After he said hi to me he continued onward and talked with the local media:

Video from the Newsplex Overlords

Shortly after that things began to rapidly fall apart. The gorgeous mall has become engulfed in attacks for cigarettes by both man and beast. Men are even struggling to take back cigs from the beasts. As you can see in this photosimulation (the new term for picture here in town) the area just outside of CVS has become an intense struggle. The mall is in shambles and squirrels have rapidly mutated.

Charlottesville Downtown Mall shortly after smoking ban.

We all know how rambunctious the local squirrels are, and without being able to smoke in their favorite restaurants they have grown in both size and aggressiveness. In the photo you can see that several of the people that commonly sit outside our luxury hotel/CVS have taken down a squirrel that had taken a case from CVS. They may be safe for the moment, but there are both people and animals out there. Life, liberty and my cigarettes!

Holy crap…here comes a squirrel. OMG. Save me…ahhhhh…

Today was the day. Indoor smoking has been banned. Locals are in a state of shock. Many are out rampaging on the streets (but run out of breath after 1/2 a block). Miller’s is drawing up the paperwork for bankruptcy. Rumor has it they will then reopen as a private smoking club (similar to Kramer’s smoking club…and we know how that turned out).

So what can be done about this. A lot. Some bars (such as Miller’s and all the Hoo-bars) are contemplating velvet ropes with a big smoking bouncer. As patrons line up the only ones allowed in will be the ones that finish at least 3 cigs in less than 20 minutes. That is considered a good pace for real smokers. You’ll get in even faster and get VIP treatment if you crawl around on the ground to find a few butts and smoke three of those.

Others plan to just light up anyway. Rumor has it you’ll get a free beer at Miller’s for every nine $25 smoking violation tickets you get. Just like the punch cards for a free cup of coffee.

However, most (approximately 38% of the C-Ville residents are smokers) of the local are just going to become subservient to the socialist government and no longer smoke inside. Said one person at Rapture late one night, “I figure I’ll go out for a smoke and take a piss while I’m at it. It saves me a trip to the restroom.”

Wow. This will be interesting!

The big question for the few that don’t smoke is when will all restaurants start making their patios smoke-free. Several already do this. The Local is number one. No smoking. Fabulous (for the few that don’t smoke). Bang banned smoking on the back patio. Hamiton’s banned smoking on their outdoor tables two years ago! Will anyone else join in?

If a coffee shop would go smoke-free I’d say LaTaza is the best option, but I don’t see it happening, since some eat at the BBQ place across the street before getting coffee. BBQ eaters need to smoke as they choke on a long segment of cartilage. MudHouse attracts all the 15 year old wanna-be goths who smoke a pack while away from mommy, so they can’t ban the puffs. Guess the few non-smokers will be waiting for awhile.

If I’m not taken down by the rampaging crowds I’ll try to post a few updates later in the day.